Let them make a mistake

Parenting a child is a long term mission. We never graduate from the task. What we need to do may look different depending on the age or life stage of our kids, but we are never free of it. This means, if we screw up when they are 5, we will probably have to deal with the issue when they are 35. Many parents seem to overlook this because it’s hard to make the connection between what 5-year-old fail to learn to the issue 35 year old man struggles with and our expectations shift for adult children.

For example, if a kid never is trained to organize backpack and have it always done for him for entire elementary school years, he wouldn’t magically develop an organization skills just because he is older. Good organization habits are critical and lack of this ability can lead to various adult problems later. Some teenagers and adults try to work on the skills by themselves later, which would take up their time and energy. Building habits of organizing own belongings independently in early years will benefit them for the long run.

This is just one example. There are so many other possibilities of this in social skills, grit, managing stress and more. All of these big skills do not come instantly when they turn 13, 16, or 20. They develop through many years of consistent practice starting from when they are really really young.

Approaching parenting as to raise children to grow into confident, resilient, successful adults, parents have to consider long term consequences of their daily choices.

In practice, two very critical things parents can do is to provide opportunities and let them learn through mistakes. Providing opportunities mean that parents do not intervene immediately when kids forget to do their homework, have a big fight with bestfriend, making poor choices. We can listen to them, reminding them of natural consequences but we hold back from jumping in and help just because we can fix the problem. It is not about resolving the current issue at hand but about children learning to deal with issue independently which builds skills and confidence.

Letting them make mistakes is very difficult thing to do for good parents. Sometime it is frustrating and annoying and other times it is heart breaking. However, we need to remember that without making mistakes, there is no long lasting learning. If a teenager continues to choose to sleep late and wake up late, not waking her up in the morning can create a good lesson. Eventually she will have to suffer natural consequences such as missing important deadline or ruining reputations in friend group. Feeling that embarrassment, peer pressure or even shame may be what they need to really change their bad habits instead of constant nagging or unnecessary arguments in the mornings.

This is not to say we need to neglect their bad habits or dismiss their social problems. It is the opposite of that. Our focus is building their skills for the future not fixing current problems as soon as possible. As parents, we can give them advice, reminders, and good modelling, while stepping back when they make the final decision even when we predict negative outcomes. We can always stand by them instead when they go through consequences of their choices; always let them know we are there, hold them when they fall, and cheer for them when they rise again.