Actionable Bible: praise

If we have a strong relationship with our children, our praise can be powerful. If our praises are good and effective, it will have a tremendous influence over development of our children’s lifelong habits or values. This allows us to focus on strengthening good deeds that can replace negative ones rather than fixating on negative habits and values.

Our praise needs to be more than a “good job!” Effective praises can make our children feel proud, loved, full and feel good about themselves. These are all the good qualities for high self-esteem, a foundation for a strong person.

This is my hierarchy of praise. Let’s talk about each of them.

Level 1: physical traits

Level 2: effort

Level 3: intention

Level 1 is easy. We complement what we see. Good artwork, nicely brushed hair, cool outfit well put together, good grades, etc. Our children need to know when they actually do well or look good. It does matter how we perform or present ourselves. Yet, if all of our complements are at this level, we can’t teach our kids to value more than what they see.

Level 2 is about focusing on the process to get to what we complement at level 1. We can comment on how much work we see in their art work, how long the child has been working on making nice hair, how much time and effort have gone for each test at school. This is one level up because we are attending to more than what we see and moving the focus to the journey also, not just the destination.

Level 3 is focusing on the ‘heart,’ as God does throughout the Bible. Regardless of the outcome, we praise the good intentions. We value what our children ‘intend’ to do. Many times, they do not necessarily choose the best way to show their good intentions. When the child wants to ‘help’ us, well to be honest they create more work than help at times. Still, before we dismiss them with a quick ‘thank you,’ let’s try to look at their good intentions we want to keep growing. We can make our children feel their good intentions are appreciated.

Level 3 praise is not always easy because we need to be able to see more than what is visible and do what is inconvenient for us. We need to perceive like God does. We can take a moment and think about what we want to teach at these opportunities. If the child tried (good intention) to practice good values, that needs to be our focus. We can teach how to show good intentions without making troubles or as kids get older, they will learn. On the other hand, having and showing a good intention is rare. If not strengthened, it might even decrease as kids grow older. We cannot make or teach our kids to have good intentions because their hearts only belong to them. What we can do is to genuinely appreciate when they show it and strengthen that quality so our children grow up to be adults with good intentions and values.

So, this week, why don’t we try to praise good intention of our children every day. Let’s look for it, attend to it, and celebrate it!